Gertrude and Heathcliffe

Last week in White Rock, which my brother said reminded him of Wasaga Beach, we encountered a pair of seagulls on the White Rock Pier. To be specific, they were Glaucous-Winged Gulls (Larus glaucescens). This gull is very similar to the Western Gull (Larus occidentalis), but I have decided that they were Glaucous-Winged Gulls because of their lighter-coloured wingtips.


But we weren’t thinking about what kind of seagulls they were.

We were thinking of Gertrude and Heathcliffe.


And guess what, I have some jokes to go with my seagull photographs!

There were these two seagulls, Gertrude and Heathcliffe...

But first, to get in the right frame of mind (and hopefully you’re old enough to remember Red Skelton or else young enough in spirit to appreciate the silly jokes) you should keep in mind Red Skelton’s instructions for telling Gertrude and Heathcliffe jokes.

"First…you must believe that Gertrude and Heathcliffe are very much alive, and that you are a seagull. This is done with your imagination."

"Next, extend and stretch your arms out to the sides. Now, bring both arms to your chest, leaving elbows extended downward. Hook your thumbs into your armpits. Now move your arms as if they were flapping wings."

"Hold thumbs in armpits and wiggle fingers. This gives the illusion that you are flying."

"Next. Make your jaw recede, giving you a buck-toothed expression. Look at the tip of your nose with both eyes. This gives you that bird’s-eye, cock-eyed expression."

"Now, when you speak with your lower lip touching your upper teeth, you will acquire a twang and a slight lisp. You are then ready to tell a seagull joke."

There were these two seagulls, Gertrude and Heathcliffe...

It’s at this point that Red Skelton usually starts laughing. If you aren’t laughing yet, you can watch this video to get into the proper mood.

Anyway, there were these two seagulls, Gertrude and Heathcliffe...


(Gertrude and Heathcliffe are walking on the beach and he looks down and sees a broken mirror.)
Heathcliffe: Good heavens! Come here, Gertrude, and look at that. What is it?
Gertrude: (looking down) Why, that’s me.
Heathcliffe: Well, thank heavens. I thought it was me.


Gertrude: Heathie, what were you doing behind that rock saying "How do you do? How do you do? How do you do?"
Heathcliffe: I was shaking hand with an octopus.


Gertrude: Look Heathie, that ship has dropped anchor.
Heathcliffe: I knew they’d loose it. It’s been hanging off the side of that ship for days.


Heathcliffe: Gertrude, why is that stork standing on one leg?
Gertrude: Because if he lifted that leg off the ground he would fall down.


Gertrude: Did you ever notice that when geese fly in their V formation, one side of the line is longer than the other? Why is that?
Heathcliffe: There are more geese on that side.


Gertrude: Hey, Heathie, how would you catch an alligator?
Heathcliffe: Well, I’d probably do it with a telescope and tweezers.
Gertrude: A telescope and tweezers?
Heathcliffe: Sure. I’d look in the wrong end of the telescope and when the alligator got real small, I’d pick him up with tweezers and put him in an empty jelly jar.


Heathcliffe: What’s the matter, Gertrude, don’t you love me anymore?
Gertrude: Well, for one thing, your table manners are terrible and you’re very selfish. Last night for dinner we had a small fish and a large fish and what did you do? You took the large fish and left me the little one.
Heathcliffe: What would you have done?
Gertrude: Taken the little one.
Heathcliffe: Well, you got it. So what are you mad about?

---

For more silliness, you can listen for free to some of Red Skelton’s radio shows from the 1940s and early 1950s (be patient, they’re slow to download.)